Rants And Rambles And Chilli And Bowling And OMG Why Do I Think The Way I Do?!

It’s Tuesday morning, and all I want to be doing is sitting back on the beach in Jamaica with Mike, but instead I’m stuck at work and very much disliking reality right now. I mean, it’s not all that bad…I guess. But it’s not ‘pina coloadas for breakfast followed by copious amounts of sun and booze all day while laying on the beach with the love of my life’ good. You know?

…you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?

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On Sunday, I made a ridiculously big batch of chilli because a) we love chilli, and b) we had a couple of friends coming over to watch Survior Series. The chilli came out ahhhhmazing, but my anxiety was so bad all day. Like, if you don’t have anxiety – you may not understand this next part. Feel free to skip ahead. If you do have anxiety, you can skip ahead too if you want…I mean, do whatever you want. Anyways – back to what I was saying.

Yeah, my anxiety…it was no bueno on Sunday. One of the many fun side effects that my anxiety causes is that I get way too much in my own head. Like, a random thought will pop into my head and then it’ll start to spiral out of control and all of a sudden I’ll go from feeling happy and excited for having people over to feeling like everyone is judging me and they don’t actually want to be there and they actually don’t even like me or want to be my friend because who would want to be friends with a mess of a person like me?! Seriously…this is the kind of shit that runs through my head. So, when my buddy ended up coming over later than expected, and Mike got home a little later than expected – I was sitting there thinking, “Yup…no one actually wants to be here, and I can’t even blame them – I wouldn’t want to hang out with me either.”

Of course, that was obviously not the case. Mike and his friend got home, my friend ended up arriving and we had a great time watching Survior Series…but for the (not so brief) moment…I felt like dirt and it sucked. *sigh* I know I talk a lot about my mental health on here, and on my social channels…and as helpful as it is (for me, at least) – I think it’s time to get a little more help. I think it’s time to find someone to talk to…someone who will hopefully help me get a better grasp on WHY my mind starts racing and I start thinking so negatively about myself.

If you’ve ever gone to therapy, have you found it helpful? Let me know if the comments, or send me a private message.

If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that a little while back I sent out a tweet asking if anyone wanted to join a bowling league just for fun, and to my surprise, people actually took the bait! A team was made, and yesterday was the third week. Every Monday night, we battle an opposing team and play three games of 5-pin bowling, then we compare our score sheets. Last night we won one of the three games, which is our only win of the season so far and dammit – I WILL TAKE IT! *self high five* I also had my best game yet (a whole whopping 97 points, thank you very much) so, I was pretty proud of myself.

I really wanted to create this bowling team because it forces me out of my comfort zone. If I had it my way, I’d be curled up at home with Mike in the safety of our apartment – but instead I’m forcing myself out and socializing, and you know what – I’m loving it. I’m obviously not very good at bowling, but I’m doing my best and having fun while at it and really, if that’s not a metaphor for my life – I don’t know what is.

PS: If you have any tips on how to improve my 5-pin bowling game – please send them my way! They’d be much appreciated!
PPS: Brian, if you are reading this – I will watch the YouTube video you already sent…I promise – STOP YELLING AT ME!
PPPS: I suppose, if you have any tips on how to stop my thoughts from spiraling out of control, you can send those my way too…I guess.

 

A Day In The Life Of An Anxiety Sufferer | #WorldMentalHealthDay

A Day In The Life Of An Anxiety Sufferer | #WorldMentalHealthDay
I recently had a chat with someone close to me. They know my story…my struggles with mental health. They try their hardest to understand and be supportive – but at the core, they just don’t get it. I’ve bailed on our plans more times than I can count. I’ve forgotten to respond to messages. I’ve “disappeared” for extended amounts of time on more than one occasion. As forgiving as they have been, they also feel hurt by actions. And with reason.

I’ve never been able to sit down and explain to them, or anyone, what it’s like living with my crippling anxiety and depression.

So, I thought now was as good a time as any to attempt to explain it.

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Oh, Hello October – Nice To See You Again

Can you believe it’s already October? Honestly, it feels as though 2017 and is just flying by. I don’t know what it is…maybe time just seems to go by that much quicker the older we get?

*sigh*

Whatever it is, I’m making a genuine effort to slow down in my day to day life and make the time to enjoy the moments, both small and big.

This past week or so was no exception. Between birthday celebrations (not mine, yet), fun events, and an impromptu date night – it was definitely one for the books!

Celebrate good times, come on!

celebration gif

Last weekend, I took Jen out for a celebratory birthday dinner. Jen is one of those friends that while we met each other later in our lives (like, seriously – only a couple of years ago) – we instantly clicked. SHe’s become one of my closest friends, and I am incredibly lucky to have a friend like her in my life. Anyways, enough with the mushy gushy stuff! We headed out to Marben for our girls night, and there was wine, there was delicious food, and there were glasses of bubbly. Throw in the great company, and what more could a gal ask for!?

On Tuesday evening I invited my friend Shannon out to check out the media paunch of the new brewhouse, Northern Maverick Brewing. First off – the space is gorgeous. I absolutely loved the open ceilings, and you can see the tanks where they brew their in-house brewskiis. Not only are their in-house brewed brewskiis delish – but they also make some ahhhhmazing cocktails. There were A LOT of people at the media launch, so I didn’t get a chance to fully experience the restaurant – but I’m def looking forward to heading back. I hear the burgers are legit some of the best in the city…I’ll just have to try it out for myself and report back!

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A Moment Of Awareness And Gratitude

jenn and the city suicide mental healthEvery now and then, I force myself to take a step back. I take a step back and express my gratitude for everything I have.

I’m not rich by any means, I don’t live a very luxurious life. I’m a simple girl, who has had to deal with her fair share of headaches in my life. But – I’m here. I’m fighting the constant battle that is depression (throw in my severe anxiety and it’s a double whammy).

A couple of years ago I was at my lowest of lows. I had given up and felt as though there was no point in even trying anymore.

I attempted to take my own life.

But somehow – I made it through. So while it all could have come to a crashing halt that day, it didn’t.

Though it’s taken me a long time to get here, I am finally, genuinely happy that it did not.

I am surrounded by love and laughter every day, and for that – I am grateful.

The Power Of Positivity – My Personal 21 Day Gratitude Challenge

So, let me tell you a story. I woke up this morning feeling great. I haven’t felt my best over the past couple of days, but last night I got a great sleep – and I woke up this morning happy, and eager to get the day started.

21 Day Gratitude Challenge | The Power Of Positivity - Changing My Train Of Thought | Jenn and the City

When all else fails, this beauty makes my heart happy.

Our kitty cat deciding to sit on my dressing table and watch me get ready helped too. ❤️

I headed out of our apartment, on time, and caught my regular bus, where I was pleasantly surprised by how empty it was. Usually it’s quite busy, but today there was maybe 8 people on the entire bus. I thought to myself, “This is a great sign! It’s going to be a great day! Or, as Tony the Tiger would say…a grrrrrrreat day!”

That feeling didn’t last too long though. As I walked from the bus down to the subway platform, I was greeted by hundreds, if not thousands, of other commuters.

21 Day Gratitude Challenge | The Power Of Positivity - Changing My Train Of Thought | Jenn and the City

Shout-out to the lady in blue, smiling though! I see you, ladybug!

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Chapter 8 of 12; 2017 Edition – The List of JennJenn

Over the past few months I have found myself at a road block, mentally…creatively. I’ve been conflicted when it comes to this blog. When I first popped up on the blogging scene, I put in the work and it paid off. I was at every event. I was working with some of the top PR firms in the country. I was signing off on partnerships left and right…but I felt as though I lost *my voice*

I had to take a step back. I had to live my life to find my voice again.

And that’s exactly what I did…and continue to do.

So…I’m back, baby!

…never not laughing when I’m with this guy #TBT

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2017 is just flying by, isn’t it?! It feels like just yesterday I was ringing in the new year with my fave guy, but poof – here we are in August already.

Now that we’re more than halfway through the year, I wanted to share of my goals. My plan, as of right now, is to check back in on this list every month. I’ll give updates to the goals I’ve already shared and maybe even add to the list. Who knows? We’ll see!

The List of JennJenn*
  1. Get more sleep. Not just clock in more hours, but get BETTER sleeps.
  2. Less junk food, more fresh fruit and veggies. No explanation needed…it’s about time.
  3. Once I heal from my recent fall (sigh) – get back in the gym.
  4. WRITE MORE. Open myself back up and let the creative juices flow. Not for blog hits – but for me. Writing is my therapy.
  5. Weekly dates nights with M. <3
  6. Remember to take my vitamins every day. AKA – stop being so darn forgetful.
  7. Buy a bed skirt. (Putting this here more so as a reminder for me to buy a bed skirt LOL)
  8. Try out a new recipe and bake something delicious.
  9. Call my grandmother more often because she’s simply the best.
  10. Spend an afternoon at the beach before the snow comes back.
  11. Finally finish Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

And you know what? I’ve opened up the comments here on le blogaroo – so let’s get chatting!

UPDATE: not sure why, but the comments feature seems to not be working properly…ugh – sorry y’all. I’m working on it!

Let’s make blogging fun again! *throws confetti*

*Yes, this is a wrestling reference but instead of adding names a la the man, Mr. Jericho – I’m adding goals. NBD

PS: It is annoying the heck out of me that that list has 11 items. Ask M – I need things in even numbers, or multiples of 5…even the volume on the TV has to be. LOL

PPS: 12. Stop being so particular about the little things…like list numbers and TV volume levels.

Fighting The Ongoing Mental Health Battle

…just because you see smiles on the outside, doesn’t mean everything is alright in the inside.

Fighting the fight with depression (or any mental illness) is a constant battle. Trust me, I know.

It’s not always easy, but it’s worth the fight. I promise. Again, trust me – I know.

If you’re struggling – reach out. Talk to someone, anyone. Be open and honest…as difficult as that may be. It will help. Try to remember – you are not alone.

If you know someone who is fighting the #mentalhealth battle – be proactive. Reach out to them, remind them that you’re there. It’s not easy to reach out for help when in crisis, so by being proactive and simply reaching out to say, “Hey – I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.” could be life saving.

So often after we lose someone, we hear, “I can’t believe it – they always seemed so happy.” Life isn’t always the sunny selfies you see online, my friends. It’s real, and at times – it’s hard.

Those suffering have often programmed themselves to smile through the pain…and to suffer in silence.

That silence? That’s the killer right there. The conversation needs to keep happening. It needs to not stop. Ever.

If you’re the one suffering, I promise you, it gets better. Again, again – trust me – I know.

It may get rough at times, but that’s life.

Your happiness, your life – it’s worth the fight.

If you’re in Canada and in crisis – here is the contact info for Suicide Prevention:

Need Help

My Journey To Reclaiming Father’s Day

I tried so hard to get my thoughts onto paper yesterday, on Father’s Day.

I sat down, pen in hand, on more than one occasion wanting, yearning, to get my thoughts and feelings out. Alas, the page stayed blank…minus a few teardrop stains from the overwhelming emotions I felt taking over and bubbling out in the form of exasperated tears.

Father’s Day has always been an emotional one for me. My father left when I was very young, and I have no memories whatsoever of him. I mean, I have a few pictures that I’ve held onto through the years and my multiple cross-country moves…but memories? Yeah – I don’t have any of those.

Reclaiming Father's Day

One of the last pictures ever taken with my father

Sure, I had “father-figures” growing up, but besides my grandfather (my hero) these so-called “father figures” were, how should I say this without sounding rude….umm, they were not so great. I’m just going to leave it at that, because that’s a whole ‘nother blog post and one I most certainly cannot get into right now.

…anyways.

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Living Life In The Moment…And Loving It

For years, I’ve openly and eagerly shared almost every aspect of my life online. Whether here on the blog, on Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or event Facebook. But over the past couple of months – not only has so much changed in my life (personal and professional) but I’ve taken a step back. I’m sharing a little less, and attempting to live in the moment a little more.

This last weekend for example, we headed out to my cousins bat mitzvah on Saturday night, and then M’s cousins wedding on Sunday.

let’s bat mitzvah!

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It was an incredibly busy weekend – but well worth it. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t see my family nearly as often as I’d like to.

So when occasions like these come up, and we all get to be together – it’s comforting.

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A Letter To Myself | Dear 13 Year Old Jenn Jenn

jenn jenn and the city
Dear 13 year old Jenn Jenn,
 I know life is very hard right now…and to be honest, it’s not going to get any easier any time soon…but I need you to have faith.
I need you to have faith in yourself. Believe in yourself, just a little more each day.
Your struggle, your story – all of it is shaping you to become who you were meant to be. So, stop being so hard on yourself.
Learn to forgive those that have hurt you so badly…trust in the forgiveness process…it’s healing.
You need to learn to love yourself. You need to love yourself before you can open your heart.
You deserve happiness and it’ll come, I promise.
One day you’ll wake up and be happy, really, truly, genuinely happy. You’ll have love in your life and you’ll finally believe you deserve it.
And when that day comes, you’ll look back on the struggles and realize – everything as happening for a reason; leading you to where you were meant to be.
I love you,
Jenn Jenn