The last couple of weeks have been a little rough. I’ve opened up on Twitter and Facebook about my struggle, and how the overwhelming wrath that is depression has slowly been taking over.
If anyone has ever battled depression, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s that constant feeling of unworthiness, of helplessness. When asked by those around me why I was feeling so down, all I could do was bleakly answer, “I don’t know.”
I was scared. Honestly – I was terrified. I felt myself slipping into a dark place, one that I hadn’t been in for almost four years.
February 17, 2013 – the day of my suicide attempt
“Oh it’s just the winter blues, everyone gets them.”
No, I’m sorry (not sorry). I won’t allow anyone to dismiss my mental health issues as just “the blues.” I was not feeling the way that I was feeling because of the season we’re slowly getting through. Sure, maybe the lack of vitamin D played a factor, but it’s bigger than that. My battle with depression and anxiety/panic disorder is bigger than the season of winter.
That being said, I know for a fact that this “anniversary” of mine was playing a part. I was overthinking and getting overwhelmed. That constant feeling of feeling worthless and like I wasn’t good enough was crippling. I couldn’t control my emotions, and the slightest thing would set me off and I would be a ball of emotions. Likely found curled up in the fetal position, bawling my eyes out.
Unable to put exactly what I was feeling into words, I felt the frustration build in the people around me.
I felt like a burden, unworthy of their love and patience…then being unable to explain that to them, I felt as though they were getting even more frustrated…which in turn made me feel even more so like a burden.
Vicious gosh damn circle, I tell ya.
Turns out, I was wrong. No one was getting frustrated with me. No one was getting fed up. They were simply worried about me, and just wanted to make me feel better.
Seriously – I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I did. I have some amazing people in my life right now who are showing me that I am in fact actually worthy of this happiness they are bringing me.
They make me feel worthy and beautiful, inside and out.
So as this “anniversary” crept up, I went from feeling unworthy to feeling happy. I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of excitement and gratefulness. My life is full of love and I know that I survived my suicide attempt four years ago for a reason.
Instead of letting my mind wander back to that dark place where I was four years ago, I’m taking today to celebrate.
Just know, that if you’re struggling, if you’re in a bad spot – you are not alone. Reach out to someone, anyone – heck, even me if you want. It’s ok to not feel ok all the time. It’s ok to be sad. You have to embrace those feelings, but not let them overpower you. You HAVE to be stronger than the disease of depression.
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