Words I Write | Depression Sucks But I Do Deserve Happiness

The last couple of weeks have been a little rough. I’ve opened up on Twitter and Facebook about my struggle, and how the overwhelming wrath that is depression has slowly been taking over.

Real life isn’t always the silly selfies you see online. Real life can be hard; real life can be exhausting. Social media offers only a glimpse into our lives. We choose what we want to share, and what we don’t. Personally – I am trying to be more open, sharing the good and the bad. What you don’t always see though, are the days that I cannot leave my bed; the days where my depression tightens… the hold it has on me and I feel so utterly alone and stuck. What you don’t see are the days where I have full-blown panic attacks; where it feels as though the walls are closing in on me and I can’t breathe, nor see through the overflowing tears. What you don’t see are the times where my anxiety is so crippling that I’m left questioning myself, my worth, my everything – all because that little voice in my head is telling me over and over how unworthy and useless I am. What I do want you to see though is that even through all of this – happiness is possible, you just have to choose to fight for it…to fight for yourself. It gets better. #BellLetsTalk

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If anyone has ever battled depression, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s that constant feeling of unworthiness, of helplessness. When asked by those around me why I was feeling so down, all I could do was bleakly answer, “I don’t know.”

I was scared. Honestly – I was terrified. I felt myself slipping into a dark place, one that I hadn’t been in for almost four years.

February 17, 2013 – the day of my suicide attempt

A period signifies the end of a sentence. A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. I just got this tattoo to serve as a reminder to myself, especially on those rough days – that my sentence, my story, if you will – is not over. —————————————————————— There are certain days in your life that you will never forget. You remember every little detail, vividly. For me, that day was exactly three years ago. I was laying in the ER, staring at the ceiling. I can remember tasting the saltiness of my tears as they streamed down my face. I can remember the fluorescent lights shining down, and the one that wouldn’t stop flickering in the corner. I remember seeing everyone rush past me, hurrying along. I remember the pain, the constant pain I felt. I remember the sadness that took over my life to the point where I felt like I could no longer go on; to where I felt my only escape was death. Exactly three years ago I attempted to take my own life. After battling with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I could remember, I felt as though I had no more energy to fight. Worse – I just didn’t want to anymore. I remember that we had a snowstorm the night before. It was cold and grey outside, it was as if Mother Nature was matching what I was feeling…utterly dreadful. For years and years, I suffered alone. Finding any way that I could to escape the reality of life. Anything to numb the everlasting pain I felt inside. But there was no running now. I had hit my bottom. Not a day goes by where I don’t think back to that dreadful day, February 17, 2013. While my battle with depression and anxiety is one that will be on-going, I can thankfully say I am in a much better spot, mentally and emotionally, now. I know that my story doesn’t end here, and I’m glad it didn’t end on that day in 2013. If you too are battling mental illness – have faith that on the other side of all this pain – there is a life worth living.

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“Oh it’s just the winter blues, everyone gets them.”

No, I’m sorry (not sorry). I won’t allow anyone to dismiss my mental health issues as just “the blues.” I was not feeling the way that I was feeling because of the season we’re slowly getting through. Sure, maybe the lack of vitamin D played a factor, but it’s bigger than that. My battle with depression and anxiety/panic disorder is bigger than the season of winter.

That being said, I know for a fact that this “anniversary” of mine was playing a part. I was overthinking and getting overwhelmed. That constant feeling of feeling worthless and like I wasn’t good enough was crippling. I couldn’t control my emotions, and the slightest thing would set me off and I would be a ball of emotions. Likely found curled up in the fetal position, bawling my eyes out.

Unable to put exactly what I was feeling into words, I felt the frustration build in the people around me.

I felt like a burden, unworthy of their love and patience…then being unable to explain that to them, I felt as though they were getting even more frustrated…which in turn made me feel even more so like a burden.

Vicious gosh damn circle, I tell ya.

Turns out, I was wrong. No one was getting frustrated with me. No one was getting fed up. They were simply worried about me, and just wanted to make me feel better.

Seriously – I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I did. I have some amazing people in my life right now who are showing me that I am in fact actually worthy of this happiness they are bringing me.

They make me feel worthy and beautiful, inside and out.

So as this “anniversary” crept up, I went from feeling unworthy to feeling happy. I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of excitement and gratefulness. My life is full of love and I know that I survived my suicide attempt four years ago for a reason.

Instead of letting my mind wander back to that dark place where I was four years ago, I’m taking today to celebrate.

it’s ok #TheSadCollective

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Just know, that if you’re struggling, if you’re in a bad spot – you are not alone. Reach out to someone, anyone – heck, even me if you want. It’s ok to not feel ok all the time. It’s ok to be sad. You have to embrace those feelings, but not let them overpower you. You HAVE to be stronger than the disease of depression.

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I’m meant to still be here, I am meant to share my story and my battle and help those struggling realize that they are not alone.