Have you ever had a moment where you looked at a picture of yourself, and just didn’t recognize what you saw in front of you? That happened to me the other day. This past weekend, I had to get some filming done for a video submission that was due this week – so my friend Jen graciously offered to come downtown and help me out. So we spent all day and night Sunday filming different clips, and then later that night I pieced them together to create my submission. As I laid in bed, at almost midnight, I re-watched the video again and again. I was just so uncomfortable with what I saw, how I looked.
Not for nothing, I pulled a muscle in my arm earlier that week and was comatose for the majority of the weekend until I was finally able to move again on Sunday without crying out in pain…so that MAY have had something to do with how exhausted I looked, but nonetheless…
If you’ve been following me on social media, or even here on the blog, you’ll know that over the past few months there have been some changes in my personal life. On top of that, what you wouldn’t know, is that there has been a lot more going on as well, professionally and personally.
Basically – I’ve hit a rut.
I’ve been feeling unmotivated and, to be honest, just not myself. My creativity has been lacking, and when that happens, I naturally start to question myself and my passion. It’s a vicious circle: I hit a rough patch -> feel unmotivated -> unable to create -> being unable to create makes me feel less motivated to do anything…etc.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, how is that even possible? You see my upbeat tweets and snapchat stories, so it appears as though all is fine and dandy. But that’s the thing with depression and anxiety – those suffering have become master manipulators, sometimes to the point where they are even fooling themselves. But…the camera never lies, and I could see it all over my face in those pictures and videos.
Life isn’t always silly selfies and sunshine.
I’ve hit a rut and have become so uncomfortable in my own skin. I know that changes need to be made. I need to find the motivation to get back on my fitness journey, not only for my physical health – but mental too. I look back on the outtakes from the other day and all I see is a girl who is exhausted, just exhausted from everything.
Over the past two weeks or so, I have started to feel more and more like my old self again. I have gotten back some of the motivation to not only create, but just be healthier in general. For awhile there, I was out and about every single night. If it wasn’t an event – I was on a date; if it wasn’t a date – I was out with friends. I was finding an excuse, any excuse, to get out of the house and distract myself from the fact that I was feeling so down and out.
Fact: No amount of wine and cocktails can mask what’s really going on.
Now though, I’m being much more selective on how I spend my time. I’m making the conscious effort to tap back into my creative side; setting aside dedicated time to let the creative juices flow. The one part I continue to struggle with is finding the motivation to work out. I think the first step to doing this is signing back up for a gym membership. As much as I enjoy running the streets and trails of my neighbourhood – I think having an actual gym membership would be beneficial for me, because I’ll be able to do so much more.
And let’s be honest – I will have to be held accountable to go because I’m actually paying for a membership every month. LOL