It’s Tuesday morning, and all I want to be doing is sitting back on the beach in Jamaica with Mike, but instead I’m stuck at work and very much disliking reality right now. I mean, it’s not all that bad…I guess. But it’s not ‘pina coloadas for breakfast followed by copious amounts of sun and booze all day while laying on the beach with the love of my life’ good. You know?
On Sunday, I made a ridiculously big batch of chilli because a) we love chilli, and b) we had a couple of friends coming over to watch Survior Series. The chilli came out ahhhhmazing, but my anxiety was so bad all day. Like, if you don’t have anxiety – you may not understand this next part. Feel free to skip ahead. If you do have anxiety, you can skip ahead too if you want…I mean, do whatever you want. Anyways – back to what I was saying.
Yeah, my anxiety…it was no bueno on Sunday. One of the many fun side effects that my anxiety causes is that I get way too much in my own head. Like, a random thought will pop into my head and then it’ll start to spiral out of control and all of a sudden I’ll go from feeling happy and excited for having people over to feeling like everyone is judging me and they don’t actually want to be there and they actually don’t even like me or want to be my friend because who would want to be friends with a mess of a person like me?! Seriously…this is the kind of shit that runs through my head. So, when my buddy ended up coming over later than expected, and Mike got home a little later than expected – I was sitting there thinking, “Yup…no one actually wants to be here, and I can’t even blame them – I wouldn’t want to hang out with me either.”
Of course, that was obviously not the case. Mike and his friend got home, my friend ended up arriving and we had a great time watching Survior Series…but for the (not so brief) moment…I felt like dirt and it sucked. *sigh* I know I talk a lot about my mental health on here, and on my social channels…and as helpful as it is (for me, at least) – I think it’s time to get a little more help. I think it’s time to find someone to talk to…someone who will hopefully help me get a better grasp on WHY my mind starts racing and I start thinking so negatively about myself.
If you’ve ever gone to therapy, have you found it helpful? Let me know if the comments, or send me a private message.
If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that a little while back I sent out a tweet asking if anyone wanted to join a bowling league just for fun, and to my surprise, people actually took the bait! A team was made, and yesterday was the third week. Every Monday night, we battle an opposing team and play three games of 5-pin bowling, then we compare our score sheets. Last night we won one of the three games, which is our only win of the season so far and dammit – I WILL TAKE IT! *self high five* I also had my best game yet (a whole whopping 97 points, thank you very much) so, I was pretty proud of myself.
I really wanted to create this bowling team because it forces me out of my comfort zone. If I had it my way, I’d be curled up at home with Mike in the safety of our apartment – but instead I’m forcing myself out and socializing, and you know what – I’m loving it. I’m obviously not very good at bowling, but I’m doing my best and having fun while at it and really, if that’s not a metaphor for my life – I don’t know what is.
PS: If you have any tips on how to improve my 5-pin bowling game – please send them my way! They’d be much appreciated!
PPS: Brian, if you are reading this – I will watch the YouTube video you already sent…I promise – STOP YELLING AT ME!
PPPS: I suppose, if you have any tips on how to stop my thoughts from spiraling out of control, you can send those my way too…I guess.