I haven’t written a rant and ramble for a while. Well, not one that I’ve hit publish on, at least. This blog is a place where I want to share every aspect of my life; the good, the bad, and the ugly. So this post isn’t all sunshine and butterflies. This post isn’t about an awesome event I got to go to. This post isn’t about what amazing food I’ve devoured. This post is about me and where I’m at right now…and I have to tell you, it’s not the best place.
For as long as I can remember, I have had this uncontrollable need to please people. I’m a nurturer by nature, and am always wanting to take care of those around me. While most would consider this a valuable asset, it is sometimes to a fault. I find that I’ve often put everyone and everything else first, and myself and my health further down on the totem pole.
While I don’t want to change who I am at the core, I love helping my loved ones in any way I can – I have come to the realization that I need to start making myself and my health (mental, physical, and emotional) a priority. This hit me when the other day, while looking at my calendar and to-do list, it dawned on me that for the weeks leading up to my surgery on Monday February 29th, and the weeks following – I have basically no down time scheduled. I have no time to myself. So I’m literally looking forward to having surgery because it will FORCE me to rest, for at least a day or two.
Truthfully, the surgeon suggested that I take at least 2 weeks to recoup after my surgery, but it’s looking more like I may only have a day or two available.
So – if I haven’t been able to respond to your emails, or commit to making plans, or replied to text messages – I’m sorry. It’s not personal, I’m not ignoring you; and I definitely don’t want to come across as a bitch. I feel as though I am playing this game of catch-up, and every time I get close…I’m knocked back a few steps.
I was sitting on the subway last night, coming home and it was around midnight. My phone battery had just died (*fights air* #unblessed) so there I was left with nothing to do, except be alone with my thoughts; my never-ending, always racing mind. Normally this thought would terrify me. What would I do to pass the time?! I actually, hand to God – felt guilty. I felt as though I should have been writing, responding to emails, SOMETHING. But there I was, purse-less, thus notebook-less for the 30 minute ride. And you know what, it was fanfreakingtastic. I watched the people getting on and off of the train; the couple who were quite literally ~*drunk in love*~, the man in his 30’s playing a video game on his phone, the older lady who looked like she had just worked a 16-hour shift and wanted nothing more than to be home and in bed. I took that time to just BE. You know? Sit there and soak in the energy all around me. It got me thinking, remember back in the day when we didn’t have our faces buried in our phones at every minute of the day?
I think we all need to find and make that time for ourselves. I know I do. I’m usually a very organized (read: OCD) person – but with this game of catch-up, that’s not been the case lately. I usually like to have everything organized and put in my calendar. That’s one of my goals this week is to get my email inboxes (yes, plural – shut up – as if you don’t have more than one yourself) and my calendar in order. While doing so – I’m actually going to schedule in ME time. Be it a spa day, or even just 30 minutes a day to put the phone and laptop away and just *~* be ~*~
I’m sure this post has been a bit of a ramble, but I just felt like getting a few of these random thoughts off my mind. It may seem a bit confusing, a little disoriented even. Maybe it’s because I randomly stopped taking my depression/anxiety meds a few weeks ago? Yeah, in hindsight – that likely wasn’t the best idea…but, here we are.