Time Stamp: Posted on Friday November 27, 2015 – 4:30 pm.
If you follow me on Twitter, or we are friends on Facebook – you likely know that I had a bit of a tumble earlier this week. I fell, face first into my coffee table, then subsequently my hardwood floor. Food and drink flew everywhere, only to be splattered by my blood. I was scared and I was alone. I didn’t know what to do. I called my sister, and in between my wails of tears – I managed to tell her what happened and she urged me to go to the hospital. Being stubborn (and hating hospitals), I put it off. It was only when I laid down on my bed and literally saw stars and lights in the utter darkness that was my apartment that I realized that visiting the hospital may be a good idea after all.
I ordered an Uber, attempted to clean my face up as much as I could – and off we were. Thankfully, my Uber driver couldn’t have been any sweeter, he spent the entire drive attempting to calm me down and keeping me talking so I didn’t pass out. He even offered to come in to the ER with me to ensure I was ok, but I politely refused and thanked him profusely. Sitting in the ER brought back a lot of emotions for me. I was in an ER, my head was spinning – and I was scared and I was alone – again. It immediately brought me back to that feeling I felt after my “accident” almost three years ago.
It was not a welcome feeling.
After getting checked out, I was told I had a broken nose as well as a concussion. I had to perform a few physical tests to show I was cognitive, and was told that the pain and swelling would get worse before it got better. I made my way home, thankful to have a friend who was awake and able to chat via Facebook Messenger and calm me down and cheer me up (as much as possible in the moment) before I finally fell asleep.
This was on Tuesday night.
Prior to this – exactly a week ago on last Tuesday, I had a bit of a break down. OK – maybe not a bit of a breakdown, more like a full fledge breakdown. A few months ago I began taking medication for my severe depression and anxiety, and while my doctor and I have been working to find the right dosage – it has helped.
That is – until it doesn’t, and it doesn’t when I don’t take it – obviously.
Last week, I forgot to take my medication two days in a row – Wednesday and Thursday. By Thursday evening – I knew something was off. I was a wreck. I couldn’t control my emotions, tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was struggling to catch my breath. I was having a full-fledge panic attack and I had no idea what to do. Not only was I not at home, I was not even close to home – and again, alone. The fact that I had had a couple of drinks likely didn’t help either.
So here I am – a 45 minute commute away from home, alone – and having a panic attack in a random plaza. With my phone at 4%, I called my sister and our conversation ended with me saying, “I need help.” That’s when my phone died and I attempted to clean myself up as much as possible, which was basically just wiping the running mascara off of my face and blowing my nose. I was now in a zombie-like state. I was going through the motions and didn’t even feel like I was there. It was honestly as if I were watching myself walk across the street, get on the bus, get off of the bus and then stand on the subway platform.
Now, if you take SSRI’s (depression/anxiety meds), or know anything about them – you’ll know that it is not wise to just suddenly stop taking them. Much like opiates or benzos – you can suffer withdrawal symptoms. At the time, I didn’t know, or realize, that was what was happening – but now I can look back and see it. It felt as though bugs were crawling all over my skin, I was hallucinating and hearing things, and worst of all – terrible, painful thoughts were rushing through my mind.
I was standing on the platform in the subway station and as if I had no control over my body, I slowly walked right to the edge. With my feet half over the ledge I was staring down. Just staring down at the tracks, thinking maybe it would be best to just take that next step off the ledge. I could see the light from the oncoming train in the corner of my eye, and with tears streaming down my cheeks – I took a step back. The train blew by and came to a stop. Again, just going through the motions – I got on the train and sat down until it was my stop. It didn’t even matter to me how many people were staring at me as tears rolled down my cheeks.
By the time I got home, my mood had switched from sad to angry. I was angry at myself, at everything. Once my phone got a charge, I found out my sister had called a friend of mine, who is now a friend of hers, and they were coming to check on me. I was angry with her. I was angry with him. I was just angry.
I finally let me sister in and I broke down again. It was seriously as if I had no control over anything anymore. I cried, she cried. I yelled, she hugged me. My thoughts, my emotions, my body – nothing. She urged me to go to the hospital – but I adamantly refused. Finally, she left and when I crawled into bed – sleep was no where to be found. The hallucinations were back, and seeing a tall figure in a red cape and feeling as though he’s chasing you – will make falling asleep very difficult task.
The following couple of days were tough, and then Tuesday was the hardest – what with smashing my face and all.
Since Tuesday I have been thinking – thinking about the “what ifs” in life. What if something even worse had happened when I had fallen? What if I had hurt myself so badly, that I was knocked unconscious? What if I didn’t take that step back on the subway platform? What if I had lost my balance?
What if tomorrow never comes?
What if instead of putting off what I could do today, I actually do it? What if I reach out to friends and family, and attempt to make plans (even if everyone is seemingly too busy to see little old me LOL)? What if I take this opportunity to learn something about myself and take that lesson to better myself, instead of dwelling on the negative?
What if I finally realized I had enough close calls, that this was my time to realize this and make some changes?
So often, we put off what we could do today until tomorrow. Calling that friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile, checking in on that loved one who may be struggling on their own. We put it off thinking we can just get to it at a later date, without even realizing that that day may never come.
Everyone is so caught up in their own world that they fail to see what is going on around them. We’re all so busy with our faces buried in our phones, that we often miss what is right in front of us. I know I’m guilty of this. We need to start appreciating life for the precious gift it really is and taking the steps necessary to better it, and ourselves. Spend time with the people you care about, do things to better yourself and grow. Become the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.